“A-A-A-A-AIDS," he said

sunday night, april 8, 2007 los angeles [dateline]

just got home from an unusual encounter at a los angeles-area medical cannabis dispensary where i spend time as an AIDS activist & a mmj (medical marijuana) advocate & a poet.

“johnnie,” a clinic patient with whom i’ve been talking for months now, told me tonight he has AIDS instead of leukemia. “not HIV,” he tells me. “AIDS.’

he could barely get the word out of his mouth for all his fear: “A-A-A-A-AIDS.”

suddenly, the two of us are at the beginning of a long dialog. here is someone who has asked me, and whom i know how to help.

“A-A-A-A-AIDS.”

how close did he come to saying nothing --- to me or anyone --- again tonight?

“A-A-A-A-AIDS.”

why did he pick tonight to speak? what did it take to speak?

“A-A-A-A-AIDS.”

johnnie lives on the street today. he says he’s in his thirties. he says he’s bisexual. he says he has two kids to whom he no longer has access. he says he “got away” with telling his family he had leukemia because he had an uncle who had it and died from it.

“really?” i ask.

we look at each other, and neither of us says “A-A-A-A-AIDS.”

johnnie gives me a confirmation about my work in the dispensaries here. i seem to be in the right place. it is a confirmation that saddens me. johnnie also breaks my heart.

i can’t post this among my regular notes, on my regular site. it’s an unfinished conversation as far as johnnie is concerned.

but the post isn’t about johnnie.

i feel a need to mark the moment as significant for me.

over the next weeks, i will work with johnnie to access the system i’ve learned my way around over the last twenty years. it is a relief to be able to help him out. PWAs in los angeles have access to a huge infrastructure of resources and services that persons with other diseases don’t have. PWAs and HIVers stand on the shoulders of others.

people with cancer, with chronic pain, or veterans even, don’t have what we have worked to build. (& there was a fire two weeks ago at the westside free clinic, so that’s the first option for everyone else down for the season.)

my aim is to share by metaphhor.

& i will always remember the way johnnie said it, repeating it several times during our conversation, wrestling with it each time:

“A-A-A-A-AIDS. i have A-A-A-A-AIDS.”

courage and shame in the same breath. triumph.

namasté

---lyr

acz chers---

thank you for the welcome. i look forward to the opportunity to be of service, and to act in support of brad & whitney's service in the peace corps in africa.

roy peter clark at the poynter institute characterizes journalism as a conversation, a culturally democratic and primarily american conversation. i look forward to our conversations that will follow.

(will have to learn labels as i go along)

---lyr